If you asked me where I thought I would be in five years the answer probably would have been something along the lines of, well, I wouldn't. It's hard to picture something when all you see is nothing, I'm not here to tell the story of a perfect recovery or provide some new found inspiration but simply to share my truth.
Over the past few years I have come to terms with having borderline personality disorder (BPD), for those of you who are unsure BPD is a mental health disorder which affects your mood, behaviour, thoughts, feelings and perception of self and others. This all sounded quite daunting as an 18 year old also being told you are being released from services into the community very soon; but with the help of those close to me, DBT, medication and A LOT of perseverance I am managing. As I said before I don't want to sugar coat it, it has been pretty awful at times. I have had to deal with constant feelings of instability, impulsivity and uncertainty covered in a thick haze of distortion to make it all the more complicated.
Yet here I am.
The thought of recovery has always seemed a little cringey to me as all my natural instincts have been to refuse positive change and development, some would say that’s the disorder speaking I guess. The thought of viewing myself as strong or brave for ‘overcoming’ some ‘great struggle’ just never sat right with me. I don't feel strong or brave after all, most of the so-called battle has been against myself. Yet somehow sitting here right now I can't help but feel a little proud. I have done so much more than I ever thought I would or even could.
I was fourteen the first time I actively reached out for support, since then I have been: admitted into inpatient, gone through various therapies and been on hella medications. But more than that, I have completed my GCSEs, A levels, worked several jobs, maintained a 2 year relationship, started an apprenticeship and become a regular volunteer with CAMHS participation. Each of these things alone may seem minimal or insignificant but together they are everything I thought I could never achieve and though things aren't perfect, each passing day is a reminder of how capable I am.
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